You Said What?

[dr_phil_physics]

Understand This

There are three kinds of commercials: (1) Good commercials where the product is both memorable and favorably displayed. (2) Good commercials where afterward you cannot remember, or cannot figure out, what product or service was being advertised. (3) Crap.

(2) and (3) are not successful ads, but (2) does have the virtue of making the Super Bowl more fun and can win awards -- and sometimes provide our culture with memorable lines.

Then there are these two campaigns by people who Should Know Better. Especially in the weeks coming into the Big Corporate Wall Street Meltdown. Remember, the company which implodes next could be your own.

I Don't Think So

First up is American Express Gold Business Card for American Express Open. Or something like that. A man and a woman are doing a business meal with a group of Germans. We are led to believe that the woman owns the business. The man offers to pay the bill -- and produces a superhero credit card. The Germans talk amongst themselves in German -- using words which pretty much translate into English like "kindergarten" -- and feeling uncomfortable dealing with someone who uses a superhero credit card, they bail. The man says, "That went well." The woman pays the bill with her business AMEX card.

Okay -- first of all who the hell cares what card you use? Lord knows the restaurant only cares that they get paid and the Germans were going to argue about how they were getting a free meal? But wait, what Life Lesson was the woman trying to teach the man by showing him her shiny gold business AMEX card with her business name on it? The Germans were already gone and she just paid the bill instead of him. He's still thinking it all went well.

Folks, there is only ONE credit card which one can realistically be a snob about -- it's also from American Express and it's called the Centurion card. It used to be rumored to be black with like no markings and have an unlimited credit limit. You don't apply for it. If you "want" one, you're not rich enough. End of story.

No, You Didn't Say That

But then American Express pulls off a SECOND even more insidious and offensive commercial. This guy goes to buy an airline ticket at the airport check-in counter for a business meeting in San Francisco and produces a credit card with kittens on it. (War kittens? No, regular kittens -- baby cats.) The clerk at the airline desk signals for the TSA goons to come over and drag this guy away.

AMEX, you're not going there, are you? Suggesting that you'll be on a terrorist watch list for a credit card with kittens? ARE YOU INSANE?

First of all, suggest something like that and someone in the government will decide It's A Good Idea. Second of all, ARE YOU INSANE? Air travel is a nightmare enough without suggesting your credit card is going to make it worse. Now all the terrorists are going to apply for AMEX cards -- good luck with that, guys.

Clearly this ad was designed to go up against Capitol One ads featuring design your own cards. Plus thousands of other designer credit cards from Visa, MasterCard, etc. Dumb.

But You're Not Alone

The other week I saw an ad for Microsoft Windows Mojave. Or something like that. Turns out these geniuses spent too much time drinking coffee and decided to try the "we've gone into this fine restaurant and changed their coffee with Folgers Crystals, and the pasta was delivered by Pizza Hut." Yup. Windows Mojave which really impressed the test panel was of course, wait for it, Windows Vista.

Okay, let's start counting the ways in which this is crap. First of all, this isn't people doing real work on their own computers -- you know, the environment where many Microsoft products don't realistically work when they are going to prove troublesome. Second, I can't imagine such a test would be on an underpowered $499 Circuit City special. Third -- this is supposed to be... what? Microsoft Windows Mojave Titanium Wunderkind Accelerated Pro Consumer Version With Breath Mints 2009? Folks, there ain't just one Vista out there.

And yeah, Microsoft, this stuff matters. Watch those "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" ads.

Dumb. Stupid. No, worse than that -- the Mojave ads are INSULTING.

Oh No, You Didn't Waste My Time, Did You?

Then there was the Jerry Seinfeld meeting Bill Gates in the shoe store commercial. It's nice that now he's stepped down from CEO, that Bill is finding something to do with his time. He's even sort of creepy clever cute in this ad -- everything we always imagined a Bill Gates cartoon character to be.

But wait, this was part of a series. It went on. What are Jerry and Bill doing living in some family's cramped house and stealing their giraffe? Bill's out of touch with mainstream America? Okay, I can buy that. And it's funny to see him admit it on national TV. But this is still a type (2) commercial ad -- see top of this posting.

And then today I heard on WOOD-AM news radio that this $300,000,000 ad campaign, which paid Jerry Seinfeld $10,000,000, has been canceled because, wait for it, the ads weren't selling more Vista computers.

No shit, Sherlock! Unlike the deceptive Mojave ad, which actually used the words "Microsoft" and "Vista", we barely even saw the word "Microsoft" in the BG/JS ads -- just Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. And you know, every time I see Jerry Seinfeld I immediately slap my forehead and think about Microsoft operating systems -- the man just exudes technical competence.

More to the point, the ad series never got to the point -- if it was ever planning to -- or if they showed that ad on like Monday Night Football and I didn't see it.

The general consensus of the news guys on WOOD-AM was, why didn't Microsoft spend $300,000,000 to fix Vista and/or give us Windows XP Pro back -- which is what the consumers WANT.

Stupid. Don't go there.

So There You Have It...

Two companies that have irritated Dr. Phil's sensibilities and I hope they take the heat for their stupidity.

I, for one, am never going to buy another copy of the German Superhero Edition of American Express Vista Gold Open OS at an airport from Jerry Seinfeld ever again.

Dr. Phil

Comments

[chris-s-owens.livejournal.com]

I agree. I can't stand the snobbery in the AMEX ad. The woman who says in German, 'What is that card?' Sounds like she's saying, 'That's disgusting.' I'd want no dealings, business or otherwise, with anybody that superficial. Is AMEX glorifying this kind of attitude? No thanks...

[dr-phil-physics.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And two American businesspeople aren't going to understand something like "Was ist das kart?" or whatever the German woman said. I mean, I could've written the Germans' dialogue without even digging out my German books.

Reminds me of a time I was taking a train into Grand Central Terminal in NYC and everyone was standing up, waiting for the doors to open so we could get off. Right in front of me were two businessmen. One of them started saying something like "These stupid Americans -- they think they have trains but their trains are so bad", but in German. And I laughed. They were SO embarrassed to realize their immunity from being overheard had been canceled. (grin)

Anyway, it was an extraordinary bad professional conduct being shown in the AMEX commercial. Besides, everyone knows that it should've been FRENCH business people turning up their noses at an American superhero credit card. (double-grin)

Dr. Phil

[snickelish.livejournal.com]

Although I hate commercials interrupting my valuable TV watching time and although I hate it when people try to sell me things, in the abstract I think commercials are a really interesting sort of function-determined art form. I mean, they have a purpose (interesting potential buyers in a product) and constraints (time, stuff allowable on TV, etc), but that leaves them wide open for all sorts of creativity - kind of like a sonnet. :p

[dr-phil-physics.livejournal.com]

I can certainly agree with that up to a point. Although I hadn't yet seen a point to the Bill Gates commercials, I thought we were being told some sort of a story. But then they ended it, after just a short time. They do that with TV series, too, end them before it gets "good". Weird.

In this case, though, the marketing people of both companies got off track of what they needed to be doing to sell their wares. (grin) And that bugged me.

Dr. Phil

BTW, I just finished re-reading your story in our anthology as I ate my lunch. I do so love the language...

[snickelish.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wasn't arguing about the Gates ads - I don't actually watch that much TV, so I haven't seen them. But it's a creative form that I'd like to know more about. I'd love to sit in on a marketing class that was analyzing TV ads.

I think I much prefer ads that come in a series. IMO, Geico has done a fantastic job with this, since for a while they had three independent series going: the caveman ads, the gecko ads, and the famous-person-interprets-customer ads. I've also enjoyed the Alltel ads recently, with their five recurring actors. Obviously, though, those kinds of things take a much bigger budget and a long-term commitment.

I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. The language is something I had a lot of fun with for that piece - I loved getting to play with all that slightly more formal phrasing and vocabulary. :)

[dr-phil-physics.livejournal.com]

I have no interest in the company or their services, but I second that the ad teams which Geico uses have to be congratulated for juggling, as you said, three successful ad campaigns simultaneously. Especially as they were able to give Mr. "In A World Where..." some celebrity exposure before his recent death. They even have the benefit of being able to stay "on message", which the Microsoft ads do not, and the AMEX ads misplay.

I wish I had the patience, and the time to spend on yet another series, to watch Mad Men on AMC. From the bits I've seen, they've got the 1960s advertising and creepy confident guy world down cold. And, of course, Elisabeth Moss was on hand at the WOTF Event so she's "our" celebrity, don't cha know. (grin)

The Victorian and Edwardian eras are fascinating for their high/low mix of civil behavior and rash excess. And I have attempted stories using the structured formality and language of that era. I am reminded of how much I enjoyed the BBC/PBS series Manor House (http://www.pbs.org/manorhouse/), which tried to recreate both upstairs and downstairs environments in a working house.

Dr. Phil

[snickelish.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I thought Lafontaine was a perfect choice for that series, and I am glad that he got a little exposure. For me, his voice is so much the default "trailer voice" that I have a little trouble connecting in my head that it was one guy doing that for so many years.

I agree, Mad Men looks really interesting, both for the advertising aspect and because, I'm beginning to suspect, I like TV in period settings. Especially drama, as opposed to, say, That 70's Show. *shudder* But I don't get AMC - maybe I'll have to see if I can find it online someplace.

[steve-buchheit.livejournal.com]

What's even better about the "Mohave" commercial is you'll notice they aren't even using the computer in front of them (nobody has their hand on the trackpad or mouse). What are they looking at? The screensaver? Isn't that the "Bill Gates dies and gets a preview of heaven and hell" joke? "That's sick," indeed.

[dr-phil-physics.livejournal.com]

But... But... It looks so totally rad. You want it to DO something? The point of having Windows is running Windows. Kind of like a virus.

Dr. Phil