A Really Poor Cold Call
Wednesday, 23 September 2009 21:59![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dr_phil_physicsThis Message Has Zero Chance Of Working
Phone message from Tuesday 9-22...
The following isn't quite a verbatim transcript because I don't care enough to listen to this message too many more times:
This message is for Phil.
Hello? Hello? There are two kinds of people who call me "Phil" right off the bat. People who really know me. And skunks who've never met me, but are trying to be my best new pal. A lot of people, even close friends and family, call me Dr. Phil. The hooey meter is quivering around 10 already.
My name is Mark Sitsema.
Who? The last name was said quickly and only once, so it's just a guess. Right. Like I am just supposed to know? Or are you hiding something?
It probably won't ring a bell.
Okay, so you're saying you would be in the category of people calling me "Phil" who have no idea who I am. Which means you should've spelled your name for me. I take notes.
But your name was referred to me.
Really? By whom?
I am a business owner in Grand Rapids.
Um, you're not telling me who referred my name? That's odd.
So -- what's the name of your business?
And I'm looking to open some new offices in the area.
Um, you're not telling me what the name of your business is. But it needs more offices in the area? What are you selling, cell phone plans? Investment securities? Fajitas?
I don't know if you're keeping your career options open.
Right... because you really don't know me at all. And I don't think I ever talk about "career options". And if I did, it would start involving a B.A. in Integrated Sciences, an M.S. in Physics and a Ph.D. in Applied Physics. Just sayin'.
But if you are keeping your career options open.
And if I was keeping my career options open, you're now going to tell me what this is about, because I am not getting any love for this phone message.
If you could call my business partner Stacy at 616-8xx-6xx3
Stacy? Stacy? Oh... STACY! Never heard of Stacy. Such a good business partner, Stacy doesn't even have a last name. Sounds like an employee, not a partner. Oh, and love how well you're telling me what your business is -- I am just champing at the bit to find out... not.
She can provide some additional information for what we're looking for.
This is sounding so much like a boiler room operation at this point -- I cannot tell you how excited I am about dialing this number and talking to Stacy to find out if SHE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCKING SCAM IS AT THIS POINT.
That's Stacy at 616-8xx-6xx3.
Oh good phone skills. You repeat Stacy NoLastName and the Magic Phone Number. AND YOU STILL DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCKING CAREER OPTION IS AT THIS POINT.
And I've Just Outed Your Poor Business Skilz
Mark Sitsema, or whatever your name is -- your phone message was lame, lame, lame. And you really don't know me if you thought this would pique my interest.
No. It doesn't.
But with a healthy dash of snark, I feel much better now.
Dr. Phil
Phone message from Tuesday 9-22...
The following isn't quite a verbatim transcript because I don't care enough to listen to this message too many more times:
This message is for Phil.
Hello? Hello? There are two kinds of people who call me "Phil" right off the bat. People who really know me. And skunks who've never met me, but are trying to be my best new pal. A lot of people, even close friends and family, call me Dr. Phil. The hooey meter is quivering around 10 already.
My name is Mark Sitsema.
Who? The last name was said quickly and only once, so it's just a guess. Right. Like I am just supposed to know? Or are you hiding something?
It probably won't ring a bell.
Okay, so you're saying you would be in the category of people calling me "Phil" who have no idea who I am. Which means you should've spelled your name for me. I take notes.
But your name was referred to me.
Really? By whom?
I am a business owner in Grand Rapids.
Um, you're not telling me who referred my name? That's odd.
So -- what's the name of your business?
And I'm looking to open some new offices in the area.
Um, you're not telling me what the name of your business is. But it needs more offices in the area? What are you selling, cell phone plans? Investment securities? Fajitas?
I don't know if you're keeping your career options open.
Right... because you really don't know me at all. And I don't think I ever talk about "career options". And if I did, it would start involving a B.A. in Integrated Sciences, an M.S. in Physics and a Ph.D. in Applied Physics. Just sayin'.
But if you are keeping your career options open.
And if I was keeping my career options open, you're now going to tell me what this is about, because I am not getting any love for this phone message.
If you could call my business partner Stacy at 616-8xx-6xx3
Stacy? Stacy? Oh... STACY! Never heard of Stacy. Such a good business partner, Stacy doesn't even have a last name. Sounds like an employee, not a partner. Oh, and love how well you're telling me what your business is -- I am just champing at the bit to find out... not.
She can provide some additional information for what we're looking for.
This is sounding so much like a boiler room operation at this point -- I cannot tell you how excited I am about dialing this number and talking to Stacy to find out if SHE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCKING SCAM IS AT THIS POINT.
That's Stacy at 616-8xx-6xx3.
Oh good phone skills. You repeat Stacy NoLastName and the Magic Phone Number. AND YOU STILL DON'T TELL ME WHAT THE FUCKING CAREER OPTION IS AT THIS POINT.
And I've Just Outed Your Poor Business Skilz
Mark Sitsema, or whatever your name is -- your phone message was lame, lame, lame. And you really don't know me if you thought this would pique my interest.
No. It doesn't.
But with a healthy dash of snark, I feel much better now.
Dr. Phil
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no subject
Date: Thursday, 24 September 2009 02:37 (UTC)This made me laugh. Thanks.
no subject
Date: Thursday, 24 September 2009 04:29 (UTC)Dr. Phil
no subject
Date: Saturday, 26 September 2009 13:55 (UTC)Occasionally I'll get sales calls from two different phone numbers with identical sales messages, one right after the other. And then there's the phone calls promising they can help me with my credit card debt (I pay off both cards in full every month), help me with my mortgage (I rent), and so on.
no subject
Date: Saturday, 26 September 2009 20:15 (UTC)You can make N number of cold calls an hour. If only 1 in 100 end up (a) matching the spiel with the person's circumstances AND (b) the person says, "Wow, they are looking out for me personally -- tell me more", then I guess you can make a living. For certain versions of living. And certain versions of being able to live without yourself without going postal or walking in front of busses.
And the exact same sales message is really common in e-mail spam. Which makes me wonder how any of this works. You get 16 email messages overnight with the same misspelled come-on in the Subject line from 16 different senders -- half of which are YOUR OWN EMAIL NAME -- and you come to the conclusion that "Wow, this must be really important, I should order these prescription meds from some guy I've never heard of in another country RIGHT NOW."
I hate all these people.
Dr. Phil
mark called us 10-15-09
Date: Thursday, 15 October 2009 23:44 (UTC)Thanks R. Scheel
Re: mark called us 10-15-09
Date: Friday, 16 October 2009 01:43 (UTC)Dr. Phil